Moving Forward vs Moving On - My Race with Grief

      Yesterday was Father's Day; and this is the sixth year we have had to celebrate without him. Surprisingly, these six days were not full of bitterness and sadness. Of course I have had my share of days when my grief is so painful I just want to allow the black hole of my emotions to swallow me up, but I also have a lot of good days where I'm happy and okay that my dad is no longer with me. For a while I felt that these 'okay' days meant that I was moving on; not only moving on past the pain of my dad's battle with cancer and death but also moving on from my life with my hero.

(Yup, that's me, number 685; sporting the haircut that comes when learning the lesson of going to sleep chewing gum.)

      We all race against grief differently. I have pushed passed the jealous feelings of friend who still have their fathers here on earth with them. I have come to terms with the sadness of never getting to do special father-daughter things again. My particular tripping block is guilt - feelings that I have failed to use the precious time we had wisely or that I did not express my love for him enough before he died. My dad was truly an amazing dad. He always made time for me and my siblings, supported us in every sport we participated in, was our math tutor, nurtured our talents; made our life goals his goals. Have I always remembered to appreciate my dad for these blessings? No. Big life events tend to magnify common everyday occurrences and bring them to the center of our attention; and as I continue to grow up, run the race of life without dad, the importance of these magnified everyday memories start to diminish and they shrink back to make room for the new memories I make. One has to move on in life, don't they? Whether or not this this true, I can't stand the idea of moving on from my dad. Saying that feels like I'm not only shoving the memories to the side, but throwing it away all together. So then I become stuck in life, and grief zooms ahead to take the lead.

      You can't race without running, and you can't run without moving on and down the course - or so I thought for a long time - until I started running again. See, just in case you haven't caught on to the running theme of this post by now, I often think about running when I think about my dad because it was something he loved to do. Although he did his best to include me in this passion, I have never shared his talent or grace in running. My very first 5k was a zoo run when I was eight years old. I had begged and whined to be allowed to run the 'big run' (versus the kid mile run) and with the entire course being in the fences of the zoo, my parents gave in.  I was so excited! I insisted on starting at the very front with my dad and the other runners (which, I should inform you from my experience, it is not advisable if you can't run a sub-8 minute mile. Especially if there are those crazy fast, stroller pushing mommy runners. Ouch!) thinking that if I tried my hardest I could keep up with dad. My dad kindly ran with me the first block, but then to my horror, told me that he was going to run ahead and meet me at the finish line. Just run the whole way and follow the runners in front of me were his instructions and then he was gone. That day my dad finished top three in his age group with a time of 17- something; I finished sometime way behind him and I got to keep the stuff toy red panda he won.

      I finished that race not by moving on, but moving forward. When running alone I could have quit, cried, sat down or even run back to the starting line; but the only way to race and finish was to move forward. And that is how I try to race against grief, allowing what was given and taught to me in the past push me forward to promises in of the future.

      As promised, my dad was waiting for me at the finish of my first 5k, and once again he is ahead of me waiting at the biggest and best finish line in heaven. It is okay for me to have good days and move forward in my life. Setting new goals, trying different things and being happy is not moving on from my dad, it is moving forward in the race he encouraged me to run. It's not going to be easy, but I want to run my life's race with a prayer in my heart and hope lacing my shoes- just watch me go!

Military Medicine & Me

I love learning from stories of our nation's history, I also love to dress up; so when the opportunity for me to do something that includes both of these hobbies I sign up for it faster than a a prairie fire with a tailwind! One such opportunity was the 'Night in the Museum' event at the local museum. Like the movies with the same names, local historians, actors and history fanatics (such as myself) brought the museum's exhibits to life through research and role playing. For the event my sister and I were assigned to the military exhibit where I played the role of a World War II Army Nurse (1LT) and my sister played the role of a Sergeant in the USMC Reserves during the Korean War. Both of our uniforms were authentic and had been donated to the museum by the women who wore them while they served their country - it truly was an honor not only getting a glimpse into their lives but also getting to represent them!

 Though I am not a full-time, serious reenactor I have participated in several events for the last couple of years, taking on the roles such as a Civil War Infantry and Artillery Solider, Southern Bell or prairie women; but this role play character was uniquely special to me because of a recent decision I've made with my career. After lots of worrying and tons of prayer I have decided to apply for a direct commission into the military's Medical Specialist Corps as a 1st Lieutenant (1LT) and Physical Therapist to our nation's heroes. I know that this will surprise many of my family and friends, and it is completely okay if you disagree with it (my mom certainly did for a long time), I gawked at the idea myself when it was first presented to me; but I now believe that if God is not calling me to be part of the military, He is calling me to risk everything and apply to the program. I hope that I haven't surprised you too much (my family now chuckles at this idea as they can easily imagine me living up to the role of no-nonsense taking, somewhat bossy officer) and I would love to cover any questions or advice you have for me about the military and the program.

What got me thinking about applying to be a military physical therapist?

One of my classmates told me about the program and I told them that though it sounded like an amazing program I would never apply to it. (Isn't it funny how what we thought we would never do ends up being the very thing we do?) I knew that I wanted to work my way to earning a Doctorate of Physical Therapy, but I did not know what school I was going to apply to to reach this goal. I was still worrying and praying over this as well as how I was going to pay for it (becoming a doctor is expensive!) when I got a job with a local non-profit Health Education organization. During one of our spring cleaning days my supervisor wore a Army shirt and I casually ask if she had served in the military. Though the shirt was one of her husband's, this conversation ended with her giving me several contact numbers and emails of her friends that were military dietitians and physical therapist. To add onto this I had the unique opportunity to observe physical therapist at the nation's most renowned military physical therapy hospital - with lodging with a family who worked on the base so I had access through security and private behind the scenes tours. I then got a job at a outpatient physical therapy and sports medicine clinic (two categories that military therapist focus on) and nearly all of the therapist I now work with say that the military therapy program is full of opportunities they wished they had. I'm not sure if these were 'signs from God' but with all of these things falling into my lap it was hard ignore the possibility that this may be the type of career I need to pursue.

Exactly how does a direct commission into the military work?

Direct commissions in the military are officer positions given to a person with two main qualifications: a Bachelor's or higher degree and expertise and experience in the position that the officer is needed. Most of these types of officers are medical, but there are also direct commissions for legal or chaplaincy officers. The easiest way to explain the difference between a direct commission and a commission is I don't have to go through ROTC (though I do still need to master the physical training requirements of situps, pushups and two mile run). Now in the case of physical therapist in the military, they are given a direct commission as a 2LT while they are completing their graduate studies a under military faculty and a promotion to 1LT once they complete the work to earn the doctorate degree. One super nice aspect of this program is that tuition is paid for - granted 7 years of your life is committed to the military, three years of school and four years of service.

What could my responsibilities be?

Physical therapist have several different roles in the military, depending on the setting that they are assigned to. Therapist at base hospitals work as trainers helping with physical training to prevent injuries, injury diagnoser determining if a training injury is critical enough to be sent to a surgeon or can be fixed with a change of profile (the military physical task/training requirements of each serviceman) and strengthening exercises, and follow up motivator helping servicemen and women regain strength after a injury or surgery. A deployed therapist functions similarly, though the need to keep servicemen and women functioning at their best is higher, thus a therapist will function more like a athletic trainer focusing on injury prevention while still completing the mission. A therapist in a deployed setting is in charge of this type of care for 1,000-3,000 servicemen and women; which is nearly overwhelming to me, but the prospect of getting provided comfort and care to these heroes and their families back home overrides that fear.

Am I scared for the future?

Of course! The idea of being deployed if still quite new to me, and if I were selected for this position I would not only be responsible for thousands of servicemen and women but I would also be traveling to places that American presence is not always welcomed. As a medical officer I would be working in a protected base - but if things get worse in the middle east there is a possibility of increasing the need for medical officers traveling to the servicemen and women instead of the other way around. I can't imagine traveling in an area where people don't just dislike you but want to kill you; but I know if God is calling me to this He will protect me.

 The possibilities of this career are both exciting and scary. Right now all I can guarantee about my career path is that I'm not in the program (yet) but I'm running full steam ahead to what is out of my comfort zone and will be extremely difficult (and is the perfect circumstances for God to do something amazing with my life!) and the only thing that will stop me is if God chooses to close this door. Your questions and advice are welcomed and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Redefining What a Princess Is

I went to see the newest version the timeless fairy tale of Cinderella yesterday and I have to say that I really enjoyed the movie. Of course, I have always enjoyed fairy tales and princess movies, so my review of the Cinderella would be slightly bias and thus I will avoid writing anything about the movie and encourage you to go and see it yourself. Howbiet, I am interested in discussing society's definition of what makes a princess a princess.

Disney has done a wonderful job of using its princesses to encourage girl empowerment (and consumerism). Children are taught that a princess is kind-hearted like Cinderella, brave like Mulan, compassionate like Belle, gracious like Aurora and the list goes on and on. There have been many arguments made both for and against the Disney princesses' role as a paragon for girls, and though I agree with several aspects of both sides of the dispute, I have often wondered why the question of why a princess has certain characteristics is hardly ever brought up. Why is a princess kind, gentle, courteous, courageous and brave? Is it because that is the only way she can get what she wants? Or is it because she has to hold herself to the same standards she holds Prince Charming to, lest he pass her by? Or does a princess have these traits simply because she is a princess?

I think that with all this discussion-dispute over the list of accomplishments a princess is require to have (okay, if we're honest -its a ton of pressure we heap on young girls), we have completely forgotten something thing that is part of the very core of what makes a princess a princess; the king. It is because the princess is the representative of the king that she nurtures all of these beautiful character traits within herself. It is because she knows the king so well and intimately that she understands what morals and values are important to him and need to be shared.

This type of motivation extends beyond the Disney princesses - but explains why the daughters (and sons) of the King of Kings must work hard to develop uncommon traits. Not only are we royal heirs (Rom 8:17, Galatians 4:7), but we were CHOSEN to represent the King (Eph 1:4-5, 1John 3:1). Talk about pressure! But don't worry, it is impossible to be a princess without a king, and the King has promised to help us become perfect princesses!

So whether a princess wears glass slippers and goes to lavish balls or not, she must have courage and be kind because she is the child of a courageous and kind King; don't you agree?

*Special Thanks to my wonderful sister M. who graciously donned my big poofy princess dress on a very windy day, while some of her classmates gawked.*

Why I Said Goodbye to Mr. Darcy and Stopped Looking for 'The One'.

I had a milestone birthday this year. No I didn't turn 21, or even 25, I'm at that awkward in between age of 22 years of age. The reason why it was a milestone birthday for me is because the Jane Austen fan in me really wanted to have met my future husband and be able to say that 'I'm not one and twenty' or at least say that I was 'one and twenty' . And here I am, two and twenty (it just doesn't sound as nice) and I still don't have a Mr. Darcy; in fact I’ve never even dated anyone. Ever.  Perhaps it's because I'm too picky, my standards are too high.  

I’ll confess that for a really long time I had a ‘The One’ list; he needed to be taller than me, strong and athletic, preferably no facial hair and so on. I stuck with this list pretty diligently until my foolish teenage fears came to realized that most of the points on the list were physical traits and to test me, God may give me the exact opposite! Obviously that list needed to go! So I composed a new one with points such as have well grounded faith, a good work ethic, enjoys things that I enjoy. With this new list tucked into the back of my mind, I thought I was good to go, if my Mr. Darcy walked by I would be able to recognize him and turn down all other unsuitable suitors. I happily held tight to this list, mentally measuring guys until the horrible moment when I was compared to someone else’s list. It is slightly crazy how well I remember that moment and how much it hurt. I had gone out of my way to spend time with a friend before I moved to a different part of the country and while we were driving he asked me what my favorite type of music was, to which I replied that I did not have a favorite type as music was not that important to me and in most situations I rather do without it. He then said that my view of music caused me to miss the mark and lose points with him. I was shocked and hurt, because even if it was just for that moment, he did not see me as a friend who was doing my best to spend time with him and make him happy but he saw me with a checklist that I had failed.  However, what hurt more was the realization that I had been treating others the someway; looking at wonderful men that God had created as though they did not have feelings or potential outside of my list.  

Last Valentine’s Day there were several blogs giving advice to girls on the type of guy they should date, and most of them were written by guys. My friends shared quite a few of these posts and I took the time to read some of them and I just wanted to yell at the authors “STOP!”  We judge you harshly enough on our own, we do not need encouragement to follow a system where a guy’s value is contained to a checklist and a girl’s heart is thought to be only that list. We have made it entirely too easy for jerks like Willoughby and Wickham to thrive. Lists of soulmate traits teach that affections can be given and won by following lists or steps that have no need for diligent development and room for growth in the future. They creates a sad reality where we move through relationships placing value on the partner instead of the partnership.

We nurture the idea of finding our per-determind, pre-developed  soulmate; our 'One' who lines up with our checklists. Yet all of our lists may only help us find a perfect match and not a relationship. A relationship is a choice that two people make and grow and develop together, and whether or not that they started out perfect, they strive for Christ's perfection together. I have decided to abandon these lists of perfect character traits and behaviors (after all, no one is perfect) and base my standards for who I start a relationship with on a person's ability and willingness to fit a title - the title of A Heart Sharer.

A Heart Sharer is exactly what the title describers, a person who shares my heart.

He must share my heart with God.
Sharing my heart with God means much more than just accepting that God comes first in my life, but also helping me lift my heart up to the Lord in prayer (even on days that I do not want to do it myself). I need a man that will help nurture my love for God; to help me gather and explore knowledge and truth about God and store it safely in my heart.

He must share my heart's dreams and goals.
I'm not looking for someone who shares my exact dreams of becoming a missionary, doctor, writer and speaker, after all a relationship with someone with the exact same strengths and talents won't push either of us to grow. Rather, I need someone whose heart holds similar passions, so that we can make decisions that not only make us both happy but allow us to work towards God's Glory. I would never want to pull someone away from pursuing their passion and and strengthening their God given talents, and though I know that there may be a need for redefining a dream, I require the same of the man I chose to share my heart with.

He must share my heart's brokenness and burdens.
For a long time I chastised and trodded upon my own heart, thinking that I could never hope for anyone to love me if my heart was broken and imperfect; that I must fix all of my weaknesses and face all of the burdens on my heart before I could possibly share it with someone else. I laugh to think of this ideology now, because not even Christ requires His Beloved to present Him with an unbroken heart (Romans 5:8)! If I'm giving up lists to find the 'perfect' someone, I must also give up the idea that I have to be perfect too, instead I need to be willing and gracious in sharing my brokenness and allow him to help in my heart's healing [see bullet one above].

And with that I say goodbye to my Mr. Darcy and move on with my adventure! Though, I can't say that I'll stop watching Jane Austen movies.

So what do you think? Do you agree with me that 'The One' checklist may be misleading and judgmental? Let me know in the comments below!

I Hate Packing

I feel a little more 'grown-up' as I recently returned home from my first ever business trip! I had the amazing privilege to travel to Washington D.C. to spend a week observing and learning from therapist who work with our Wounded Warriors at one of the best physical therapy clinics in the nation. I cannot even begin to describe what this experience was like, well to be honest, I really can't describe it beyond a small glimpse because of HIPAA and the way many of the extremely unique patients I met are easily identified.What I can tell you is some of the interesting reflections I have about how I handled the trip itself.

I love traveling. I enjoy being in airports; I enjoy the excitement of knowing that everyone around you is going somewhere. I have been somewhat 'grounded' these past two years, concentrating on school and stepping away from the international missions field that I had been involved in for about seven years. It may have been a good thing that I had this break from traveling as I have come to realize that I am really bad at packing.

I hate packing. I always try to travel light, but that means cramming and cutting and sorting.Every time that I pack to go on a trip I almost always take every item back out and double check that I have everything at least twice, sometimes even three times. I constantly worry that I'll forget an essential item and I often bring more than I need. One would think that I should be focusing on where I'm going and what I'll do when I get there instead of worrying about bringing the comforts of home with me. My frustrating struggle made me think of another person who had problems leaving things behind. In the 19th chapter of Genesis we hear the story of Lot and his family's escape from the city of Sodom. Following the warning of the city's destruction and instructions to leave it from angels, the family immediately fled, forced to leave all that they owned behind. They were told to run and never look back, but Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

I have always wondered why Lot's wife looked back - looked back on the wickedest city in the world, a place that was no match for where she was escaping to. She was given specific instructions to direct her energy looking forward and she chose to focus on what she was leaving behind. The levels of empathy I had for Lot's wife were pretty much nonexistent, and yet I do the exact same thing when I go on a trip. I spend way too much time and concentration packing and try to bring all kinds of unnecessary trinkets with me. It is not that I think I should abandon all need to prepare for a trip, but that I need to quit focusing on the fear of forgetting to bring something.

Of course this applies to small and big trips (even business trips!), but I also think that I applies to our biggest trip of all, our life's journey to heaven. It is so hard to always travel excitedly forward and cut lose our ties to earthly things. Collecting items, pondering arguments of what is valuable; but we'll save that for another blog post.

What I Wish I Knew When I was a College Freshman

Dear Young and Excited College Freshman:

First I'd like to congratulate you on starting your newest adventure! As I prepare to start off my final semester before graduating with my bachelor's degree, I remember how nervous I was when I started this journey. Like many other college seniors there are things I would have done differently and things I wished I knew earlier. I cannot guarantee that you won't have to learn anything the hard way, but I can share with you the advice I have learn and found most helpful over the last four years.

Take your notes in pen.
Yes, even your math classes! This forces you to begin studying earlier as you will need to transcribe your scribbles into neater (and in my case, more readable) notes while the lecture is still fresh in your memory. Ink also does not smear or fade like pencil marks do, which help in the classes you need to take when you're an upperclassman, as your notes and hints will still be legible. 

Do not fall for the myth that college is a time to discover who you are.
Nearly everyone says that college is the time for you to explore, find out who you are and what kinds of things you like, but this simply is not true! Yes, while college is a great time to discover how you function without your parents, what you need to do to create accountability and responsibility and what kind of support you need to make tough decisions; it is not the time to try every and all things that are available to you. You had all four years of high school to find the hobbies and classes that fit you best, and now your college years are the time to get better at them. Don't get sucked into the whirlwind of trying several campus organizations and unique classes and fall behind students who are committing their time to honing in on specific skills. When students who spent their college years exploring different subjects leave school, though their experience makes them look like a well rounded person, employers see a a 'soundboard' of skills that is so spread out that it is unable to focus and amplify the job they are looking to complete. Come to college with a mind set of already knowing who you are and making that person better.

Don't study what you love, study what you find fascinating.
When choosing a major, don't base your decision on the school subject you love. There will be many lectures, assignments and test that will prove that it doesn't love you back, and this quickly drains your motivation. Instead, chose to study and work with subjects that you are fascinated by. Curiosity and desire to know the answer will help you make it through the 'up-till-2-AM' projects. Because you earnestly wish to improve your understanding of that subject, you will greatly add to your career after college as you will want to seek ways to do your job better out of pure inquisitiveness. This may not be as easy as knowing that you are intrigued by the phenomenon of physics or the puzzle of the psychology. In my case, for example, I am fascinated by our ability to heal and improve, but I hate all of the controversies that at linked with science and its research. I chose to study biology because I wanted the privilege of seeing people heal and my excitement in understanding how a biological system functions helped pushed me through all of the difficult concepts and assignments. 

This is your college experience and not a carbon copy.
Looking back this was my biggest misconception about college. Several times I harshly compared how my schedule and classes were going to how my family, friends and even make believe student's schedule and classes went. I would push myself to work long hours and sleep very little, because that is what normal college students did, right? I also spent way too much time judging my abilities and intelligence by looking at how other students where doing. For one of my classes, my lab partner and I did the same amount of studying and yet she was receiving As while I was barely scoring enough to get Bs. I became extremely frustrated and felt like a failure, I was doing everything the same as my lab partner and could not produce the same results. This went on until near the end of the semester I found out that she had already taken the course and was more familiar with the information than I was from the very beginning of the class. Even if you take the same class from the same teacher and study in the same way as someone else, you can never produce the exact results, so don't waste your time trying. Don't compare your college experience to how your sister's or best friend's college experience went, go and make your own unique experience!

A College Degree is still just a piece of paper. 
Despite the hype that it is now the ticket to landing a job or becoming a better person, a college degree is still just a flimsy piece of very expensive paper. It is the knowledge and wisdom that you collect and create while at college to backup that degree that truly make the difference.  Don't settle to simply pass the required classes to earn a degree, become part of the academic community, after all where else are you going to walk down a hall and run into PhDs and specialized experts? Take the time to learn and grow outside of your classes and seek out opportunities that will help you develop better leadership skills and accept offers to work in diverse groups. Support your degree with with so many projects and experiences that it won't ever fall flat.

I wish you the very best as you grow and learn on your journey.

Finishing My Sentences

My school never closes, in fact last semester I had to sleep in the school's library because I didn't feel comfortable driving in the weather conditions and knew I had to be back on campus early the next morning; but today is a snow day! For me that means lots of studying (midterms are this week) and a a little bit of playing in the snow. Of course I think that it is only fitting for me to listen to the soundtrack of Frozen while studying, don't you?       

(I must insert a spoiler alert here for those who haven't seen the movie, so if you still want to be surprised by the plot twist I won't ruin it for you.)  

                                     

My family went to see Frozen in theaters and it was the best movie theater experiences I've ever had. This was due to the audience's reaction to the moment when Prince Hans tells Anna that no one loves her, the entire theater gasped. Man Hans, you really blew it! Or did he? Didn't he fulfill all the ideals of love? He cared for Anna's people and he harmonized perfectly when singing with Anna. In the duet the two do together Hans hints that they are matched so perfectly that they can finish each others sentences (although Anna didn't really catch on). We have made the ability to predict what someone is going to say a very big deal, especially when it comes to relationships. Couples strive towards it like a goal that will confirm their compatibility. The bear truth of the matter is that a person doesn't have to be one's perfect match to take the time and effort to get to know you so well that they can guess what and how you'll respond to different things. 

Before you get mad at me for crushing your dreams, let me say that there is one who can perfectly finish our sentences. I'm not talking about someone who can make mere guesses to what you will say, but one who understands how you are feeling every single second of your life and fully knows your words before they leave your lips.

Psalms 139:4 

Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

For a while I thought this verse meant that God controlled what I said, after all He's omnipotent, right? I thought that the psalmist was saying that because God knows exactly what I am because He set the settings of human nature and He could anticipate my choices. This is not the case, look at the verse again. You, Lord, KNOW it completely; not make it, not guess it, but know it. God can finish my sentences because He knows who I am. He loves me and knows me so deeply and completely that He doesn't just predict what I could say but He knows every little thing that is me, including the words I say.

Having someone who can finish your sandwiches is great, and having someone who can finish your sentences is even better; but having a God who knows your words, that's the best!