Why I Said Goodbye to Mr. Darcy and Stopped Looking for 'The One'.

I had a milestone birthday this year. No I didn't turn 21, or even 25, I'm at that awkward in between age of 22 years of age. The reason why it was a milestone birthday for me is because the Jane Austen fan in me really wanted to have met my future husband and be able to say that 'I'm not one and twenty' or at least say that I was 'one and twenty' . And here I am, two and twenty (it just doesn't sound as nice) and I still don't have a Mr. Darcy; in fact I’ve never even dated anyone. Ever.  Perhaps it's because I'm too picky, my standards are too high.  

I’ll confess that for a really long time I had a ‘The One’ list; he needed to be taller than me, strong and athletic, preferably no facial hair and so on. I stuck with this list pretty diligently until my foolish teenage fears came to realized that most of the points on the list were physical traits and to test me, God may give me the exact opposite! Obviously that list needed to go! So I composed a new one with points such as have well grounded faith, a good work ethic, enjoys things that I enjoy. With this new list tucked into the back of my mind, I thought I was good to go, if my Mr. Darcy walked by I would be able to recognize him and turn down all other unsuitable suitors. I happily held tight to this list, mentally measuring guys until the horrible moment when I was compared to someone else’s list. It is slightly crazy how well I remember that moment and how much it hurt. I had gone out of my way to spend time with a friend before I moved to a different part of the country and while we were driving he asked me what my favorite type of music was, to which I replied that I did not have a favorite type as music was not that important to me and in most situations I rather do without it. He then said that my view of music caused me to miss the mark and lose points with him. I was shocked and hurt, because even if it was just for that moment, he did not see me as a friend who was doing my best to spend time with him and make him happy but he saw me with a checklist that I had failed.  However, what hurt more was the realization that I had been treating others the someway; looking at wonderful men that God had created as though they did not have feelings or potential outside of my list.  

Last Valentine’s Day there were several blogs giving advice to girls on the type of guy they should date, and most of them were written by guys. My friends shared quite a few of these posts and I took the time to read some of them and I just wanted to yell at the authors “STOP!”  We judge you harshly enough on our own, we do not need encouragement to follow a system where a guy’s value is contained to a checklist and a girl’s heart is thought to be only that list. We have made it entirely too easy for jerks like Willoughby and Wickham to thrive. Lists of soulmate traits teach that affections can be given and won by following lists or steps that have no need for diligent development and room for growth in the future. They creates a sad reality where we move through relationships placing value on the partner instead of the partnership.

We nurture the idea of finding our per-determind, pre-developed  soulmate; our 'One' who lines up with our checklists. Yet all of our lists may only help us find a perfect match and not a relationship. A relationship is a choice that two people make and grow and develop together, and whether or not that they started out perfect, they strive for Christ's perfection together. I have decided to abandon these lists of perfect character traits and behaviors (after all, no one is perfect) and base my standards for who I start a relationship with on a person's ability and willingness to fit a title - the title of A Heart Sharer.

A Heart Sharer is exactly what the title describers, a person who shares my heart.

He must share my heart with God.
Sharing my heart with God means much more than just accepting that God comes first in my life, but also helping me lift my heart up to the Lord in prayer (even on days that I do not want to do it myself). I need a man that will help nurture my love for God; to help me gather and explore knowledge and truth about God and store it safely in my heart.

He must share my heart's dreams and goals.
I'm not looking for someone who shares my exact dreams of becoming a missionary, doctor, writer and speaker, after all a relationship with someone with the exact same strengths and talents won't push either of us to grow. Rather, I need someone whose heart holds similar passions, so that we can make decisions that not only make us both happy but allow us to work towards God's Glory. I would never want to pull someone away from pursuing their passion and and strengthening their God given talents, and though I know that there may be a need for redefining a dream, I require the same of the man I chose to share my heart with.

He must share my heart's brokenness and burdens.
For a long time I chastised and trodded upon my own heart, thinking that I could never hope for anyone to love me if my heart was broken and imperfect; that I must fix all of my weaknesses and face all of the burdens on my heart before I could possibly share it with someone else. I laugh to think of this ideology now, because not even Christ requires His Beloved to present Him with an unbroken heart (Romans 5:8)! If I'm giving up lists to find the 'perfect' someone, I must also give up the idea that I have to be perfect too, instead I need to be willing and gracious in sharing my brokenness and allow him to help in my heart's healing [see bullet one above].

And with that I say goodbye to my Mr. Darcy and move on with my adventure! Though, I can't say that I'll stop watching Jane Austen movies.

So what do you think? Do you agree with me that 'The One' checklist may be misleading and judgmental? Let me know in the comments below!

Finishing My Sentences

My school never closes, in fact last semester I had to sleep in the school's library because I didn't feel comfortable driving in the weather conditions and knew I had to be back on campus early the next morning; but today is a snow day! For me that means lots of studying (midterms are this week) and a a little bit of playing in the snow. Of course I think that it is only fitting for me to listen to the soundtrack of Frozen while studying, don't you?       

(I must insert a spoiler alert here for those who haven't seen the movie, so if you still want to be surprised by the plot twist I won't ruin it for you.)  

                                     

My family went to see Frozen in theaters and it was the best movie theater experiences I've ever had. This was due to the audience's reaction to the moment when Prince Hans tells Anna that no one loves her, the entire theater gasped. Man Hans, you really blew it! Or did he? Didn't he fulfill all the ideals of love? He cared for Anna's people and he harmonized perfectly when singing with Anna. In the duet the two do together Hans hints that they are matched so perfectly that they can finish each others sentences (although Anna didn't really catch on). We have made the ability to predict what someone is going to say a very big deal, especially when it comes to relationships. Couples strive towards it like a goal that will confirm their compatibility. The bear truth of the matter is that a person doesn't have to be one's perfect match to take the time and effort to get to know you so well that they can guess what and how you'll respond to different things. 

Before you get mad at me for crushing your dreams, let me say that there is one who can perfectly finish our sentences. I'm not talking about someone who can make mere guesses to what you will say, but one who understands how you are feeling every single second of your life and fully knows your words before they leave your lips.

Psalms 139:4 

Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

For a while I thought this verse meant that God controlled what I said, after all He's omnipotent, right? I thought that the psalmist was saying that because God knows exactly what I am because He set the settings of human nature and He could anticipate my choices. This is not the case, look at the verse again. You, Lord, KNOW it completely; not make it, not guess it, but know it. God can finish my sentences because He knows who I am. He loves me and knows me so deeply and completely that He doesn't just predict what I could say but He knows every little thing that is me, including the words I say.

Having someone who can finish your sandwiches is great, and having someone who can finish your sentences is even better; but having a God who knows your words, that's the best!

Blind Love

I'm sad to report that I missed the after Valentines Day chocolate sale. Darn! I did enjoy spending a good amount of time in the card aisle of stores reading through many creative ways of expressing love and appreciation. Did you know that there are now cards with neon lights in them? I remember being in awe of the musical celebration cards and now they've added flashing lights; it's like getting a mini party! As fun as these high fandangled cards are, I noticed a trend throughout all of the cards that perturbed me a little. Every single card that I read (and I unashamedly admit that I read a lot of them) presented some kind of praise for the receiver of the card, a list of reasons why they are loved.

I won't deny that I enjoy getting cards that praise the character and talents that I've worked hard to develop, but it there are times it can be real disheartening to get a message of love based on a standard I feel I have to pursue. That aisle of red and and pink sparkles, golden swirls and fancy words was pack full of pressure of needing to preform to be accepted and patches that cover mistakes instead of healing them (hint, hint card market, something has to change).  I often worry that if those outside of my family saw me when I am upset, stressed or angry that they would reject me, as if they see me through rosed colored glasses and their opinion of me is blinded. The second those glasses come off and they realize that I over react to little things can be highly critical and my singing makes dogs howl, will they hate me? If I'm not the graceful words on a valentines card, will I be left alone?

 

The most beautiful love letter I have ever read is in Isaiah 40-45. Here God reminds Israel of their sin and broken, unrepentant hearts, goes on to describes His power and awesomeness, and says that He longs to be with His beloved, that He claims them as His and will cleanse them. My favorite part of this love letter is in chapter 41, verse 14:

"Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,

little Israel, do not fear,

for I myself will help you,"

declares the LORD your Redeemer

the Holy One of Israel.

Oh to be called a worm by God! To know that He understands that the world may put very little value on you and yet He claims you as His most precious, most loved creation! Not only is God's love for us not blinded to our imperfections, He promises to make us better. I recently read a very good article about the way love needs to push for a person to become better, not set standards of what is the best and seek to find it, unwilling to help in the work of developing that perfect love. I completely agree that perfect love is working for better and not measuring what is best.

You can call me crazy, but I much rather be told I'm a treasured worm then praised to be a perfect beauty on Valentines day. (Though I still love to get the chocolates!)

Uncontrollable love

I can not tell you how many movies I've seen in which at some point in the story the one of the characters says to another character that their love for them can't be helped, that no matter what either one of them does, their love can't be stopped-it's uncontrollable. I always felt that describing love in this way slightly diminished its value, as I would rather someone chose to love me and understood that loving someone takes more than just following spell-like feelings;

but it's true, love is uncontrollable.

We were specially made with the ability to love, our hearts are wired to do it without ceasing. Yes, we have the freedom to direct who or what we love, but it is impossible for us to stop loving. It is like the hose of a vacuum cleaner, while it is made to pull in specific things, it strongly pulls at anything within reach no matter which direction it's pointing. You have probably heard our love and need for God described as a 'God shaped hole in our heart'. This is a good analogy, but a better analogy is that we have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts, of which only God can completely fill. In our desperation to satisfy the pull we can direct our love vacuum towards anything in attempts to fill it, only to cover some (if any) of the need. Despite the fact that we find bigger and greater things to fill the vacuums in our hearts, there are always cracks around our self-made vacuum plugs that allow in pain and evil.

And here's the scariest part of the capabilities of our love, even if we are not trying to satisfy it with earthly reasoning and pleasures if we don't set our love on God first, then our hearts will pull in something else. If you are not loving and praising God, you are devoting your love and praise to something else; and you can't control it.

Is your uncontrollable love directed to the One who created it and can fill it; or is the vacuum of your heart whipping around faster and faster, or is it laying still, satisfied to direct all of its effort on tiny specks of dust which are far below what it was made to do?

Fearful Love

There's just something about attending a wedding. Maybe it's the joy getting to watch the love of the happy couple openly expressed and joining in the celebration with family and friends or maybe (at least for one little girl) it's getting to stay up later than one's usual bed time, eating way too many sweets, dressing up in a special princess dress and blowing bubbles over two people happily taking off on a new adventure. As a teenager as I attended several weddings of various family and friends, I would look at the bride and groom and the festivities going on around them thinking to myself, 'Someday that's going to be me. I'm going to reach the age point when all of my friends will be getting engaged and married; maybe even me.'

Eventually it happened, I grew up and my life is now filling up with the excitement of celebrating the blessing of love and commitment that those who are dear to me have found.Through the whirlwind of it all I have managed to stay single and happy. It is not that I never want to get married or have sworn off men forever, (though I do often joke about it) but rather I am somewhat selfishly pursuing a relationship with God and a deeper understanding of what perfect love is. My journey started when several people who I dearly loved were taken away from me and I began to question why I should risk the pain of love and ask what kind of love I was giving and have been given. I evaluated the desires and attachments of My Heart and found that my relationship with God was greatly lacking; and thus I set off to try to find out how God loves me and how I was made to love Him in return.

I thought it would be fun for me to celebrate February and Valentines with you by sharing what God has been teaching me about love - of all kinds; strong, crazy, lost, impatient, romantic perfect love. I'm starting this series out by asking you a question:

How do you love God?

It is easy to define how one serves God or how one praises Him; but is it even possible for us to love God? Sure, I can say that my actions are motivated by a love for God, but taking a step back and looking at the relationships people throughout history have had with God, the same behavior was driven by fears. We go about our lives doing good things, maybe even great things, praising God trying to redirect the glory to Him, but is this because we love God or because we are afraid of Him? Afraid that we are too awful for Him or afraid that God could become angry and turn His back on us if something is or isn't done; afraid of the possibility wasting our gifts, afraid of being alone. God is great and powerful, and His righteous wrath really, really scares me.  It would be foolish to ignore these traits of God, and even the apostles acknowledged His power. So how do you love such a great a terrible God?

The early Christians had to answer this very question in an environment that made them appear like they were ignorantly walking in a loins den. The world in which they lived in worshiped several gods and goddesses whose mystical powers was thought to cause great punishment if they ever became displeased. There were statues and temples for these gods everywhere and the people were so scared of offending any powerful being that they erected a alter to a 'unknown god'. It is no wonder that the idea of loving God caused thoughts of 'they're crazy' or 'their god obviously isn't powerful' to be made and voiced. In one of his letters, Paul assures the Christians in Corinthia that they weren't crazy but were blessed to know what it was to fear the Lord (2 Corinthias 5:11).

There is a very big difference between fearing God and being afraid of God. When you are afraid of God everything is driven on uncertainty and the panic of pain, but the fear of God is based on knowing God so well that you are in awe of Him; but the fear of the Lord is much more than knowledge if Him and His traits, because stacked up facts don't amount to much and have the potential to turn into hate. John explains that knowing God, openly accepting Him and pursuing a greater understanding of Him, leads to loving God.  (John 4:7-19)

For the longest time I tied a string around my heart and let God hold the other end of the string instead of letting Him hold my heart in His hands. I would follow the tugs on my heart to behave and love others as God would love them instead of loving them with God.

It is quite impossible for me to hug God, but I can learn about Him and seek to know Him more. To have my amazement about Him push me to know Him better; to become yet more amazed and want to know Him even more. To know Him so well that I can walk closer and closer to Him until I move perfectly along with Him (Micah 6:8).

Now this is love!

Loving Panama

Ugh! I have been trying to figure out how to describe how my time in Panama was and I can't. I wish I could just throw out the words, and that they would organize themselves in such a way that you could fully understand how God tested, provided, and blessed me there.

I guess the best way to start is by reviewing the thoughts I had when I was preparing my heart to serve in Panama. When searching for a theme verse for my trip I read chapter 5, verse 2 of every book of the Bible because I calculated that I would be serving Panama for 52 days. Looking back, this way of finding a verse for my trip sounds silly, but the verse I found was perfect-Ephesians 5:2 And live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 52 Days of love. Love, that truly was the essence of my time in Panama. Love is an extremely important factor to bring onto the mission field. First of all, it is the way outsiders identify us as Jesus's disciples( John 13:35). Secondly, we as missionaries cannot function effectively without loving first.  In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul explains that no matter how many spiritual gifts God gives to a person, if they didn't use them in love, they gain absolutely nothing. Paul then goes on to describe what perfect love looks like:
Patient
Kind
Doesn't envy
Doesn't boast
Is not proud or self-centered
Does not dishonor others 
Is not quick tempered 
Doesn't take any joy in evil but delights in the truth
Always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
It's a rather extensive list of qualities that I normally take for granted, but during my two months in Panama God refreshed ;) my ability to love. 

The first thing God did when He taught me how to love the people in Panama, was He asked me to make sacrifices. The most obvious sacrifice was facing my fear of the diseases and large bugs found in the jungle of Panama. Knowing that night time brought out cockroaches the size of dollar bills(and who knows what else) and being covered in red lumps,bumps,spots and patches of bug bites was definitely not my cup of tea. But there were also the little things, such as not shaving for two months and wearing smelly, dark, heat absorbing clothes and then feeling like I was being suffocated in sweat. It was theses sacrifices that took my thoughts and redirected them towards others, for I had nothing to be proud of.

The next lesson God gave me was the harsh reminder that not everyone wants to be loved. While God had made my love humble and selfless through sacrifices, it was by rejection that he fully matured my love in all the other areas needed to make it perfect. My love learned to hope and persevere when the Nationals shut their doors to me and I had to pray and talk my way in. My love developed stronger patience and distaste of evil every time I had to confront and correct those who wandered or broke the rules. And most importantly, my love was taught to fully trust God when I saw little to no results in all of my toils.

Even though learning to truly love was a slow and painful process, it is my deepest desire that God continues to expand my love in knowledge and depth of insight (Philippians 1:9-10).  I poured my heart out all over Panama, and I know that God used that love to do miraculous things!