I Hate Packing

I feel a little more 'grown-up' as I recently returned home from my first ever business trip! I had the amazing privilege to travel to Washington D.C. to spend a week observing and learning from therapist who work with our Wounded Warriors at one of the best physical therapy clinics in the nation. I cannot even begin to describe what this experience was like, well to be honest, I really can't describe it beyond a small glimpse because of HIPAA and the way many of the extremely unique patients I met are easily identified.What I can tell you is some of the interesting reflections I have about how I handled the trip itself.

I love traveling. I enjoy being in airports; I enjoy the excitement of knowing that everyone around you is going somewhere. I have been somewhat 'grounded' these past two years, concentrating on school and stepping away from the international missions field that I had been involved in for about seven years. It may have been a good thing that I had this break from traveling as I have come to realize that I am really bad at packing.

I hate packing. I always try to travel light, but that means cramming and cutting and sorting.Every time that I pack to go on a trip I almost always take every item back out and double check that I have everything at least twice, sometimes even three times. I constantly worry that I'll forget an essential item and I often bring more than I need. One would think that I should be focusing on where I'm going and what I'll do when I get there instead of worrying about bringing the comforts of home with me. My frustrating struggle made me think of another person who had problems leaving things behind. In the 19th chapter of Genesis we hear the story of Lot and his family's escape from the city of Sodom. Following the warning of the city's destruction and instructions to leave it from angels, the family immediately fled, forced to leave all that they owned behind. They were told to run and never look back, but Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

I have always wondered why Lot's wife looked back - looked back on the wickedest city in the world, a place that was no match for where she was escaping to. She was given specific instructions to direct her energy looking forward and she chose to focus on what she was leaving behind. The levels of empathy I had for Lot's wife were pretty much nonexistent, and yet I do the exact same thing when I go on a trip. I spend way too much time and concentration packing and try to bring all kinds of unnecessary trinkets with me. It is not that I think I should abandon all need to prepare for a trip, but that I need to quit focusing on the fear of forgetting to bring something.

Of course this applies to small and big trips (even business trips!), but I also think that I applies to our biggest trip of all, our life's journey to heaven. It is so hard to always travel excitedly forward and cut lose our ties to earthly things. Collecting items, pondering arguments of what is valuable; but we'll save that for another blog post.

What I Wish I Knew When I was a College Freshman

Dear Young and Excited College Freshman:

First I'd like to congratulate you on starting your newest adventure! As I prepare to start off my final semester before graduating with my bachelor's degree, I remember how nervous I was when I started this journey. Like many other college seniors there are things I would have done differently and things I wished I knew earlier. I cannot guarantee that you won't have to learn anything the hard way, but I can share with you the advice I have learn and found most helpful over the last four years.

Take your notes in pen.
Yes, even your math classes! This forces you to begin studying earlier as you will need to transcribe your scribbles into neater (and in my case, more readable) notes while the lecture is still fresh in your memory. Ink also does not smear or fade like pencil marks do, which help in the classes you need to take when you're an upperclassman, as your notes and hints will still be legible. 

Do not fall for the myth that college is a time to discover who you are.
Nearly everyone says that college is the time for you to explore, find out who you are and what kinds of things you like, but this simply is not true! Yes, while college is a great time to discover how you function without your parents, what you need to do to create accountability and responsibility and what kind of support you need to make tough decisions; it is not the time to try every and all things that are available to you. You had all four years of high school to find the hobbies and classes that fit you best, and now your college years are the time to get better at them. Don't get sucked into the whirlwind of trying several campus organizations and unique classes and fall behind students who are committing their time to honing in on specific skills. When students who spent their college years exploring different subjects leave school, though their experience makes them look like a well rounded person, employers see a a 'soundboard' of skills that is so spread out that it is unable to focus and amplify the job they are looking to complete. Come to college with a mind set of already knowing who you are and making that person better.

Don't study what you love, study what you find fascinating.
When choosing a major, don't base your decision on the school subject you love. There will be many lectures, assignments and test that will prove that it doesn't love you back, and this quickly drains your motivation. Instead, chose to study and work with subjects that you are fascinated by. Curiosity and desire to know the answer will help you make it through the 'up-till-2-AM' projects. Because you earnestly wish to improve your understanding of that subject, you will greatly add to your career after college as you will want to seek ways to do your job better out of pure inquisitiveness. This may not be as easy as knowing that you are intrigued by the phenomenon of physics or the puzzle of the psychology. In my case, for example, I am fascinated by our ability to heal and improve, but I hate all of the controversies that at linked with science and its research. I chose to study biology because I wanted the privilege of seeing people heal and my excitement in understanding how a biological system functions helped pushed me through all of the difficult concepts and assignments. 

This is your college experience and not a carbon copy.
Looking back this was my biggest misconception about college. Several times I harshly compared how my schedule and classes were going to how my family, friends and even make believe student's schedule and classes went. I would push myself to work long hours and sleep very little, because that is what normal college students did, right? I also spent way too much time judging my abilities and intelligence by looking at how other students where doing. For one of my classes, my lab partner and I did the same amount of studying and yet she was receiving As while I was barely scoring enough to get Bs. I became extremely frustrated and felt like a failure, I was doing everything the same as my lab partner and could not produce the same results. This went on until near the end of the semester I found out that she had already taken the course and was more familiar with the information than I was from the very beginning of the class. Even if you take the same class from the same teacher and study in the same way as someone else, you can never produce the exact results, so don't waste your time trying. Don't compare your college experience to how your sister's or best friend's college experience went, go and make your own unique experience!

A College Degree is still just a piece of paper. 
Despite the hype that it is now the ticket to landing a job or becoming a better person, a college degree is still just a flimsy piece of very expensive paper. It is the knowledge and wisdom that you collect and create while at college to backup that degree that truly make the difference.  Don't settle to simply pass the required classes to earn a degree, become part of the academic community, after all where else are you going to walk down a hall and run into PhDs and specialized experts? Take the time to learn and grow outside of your classes and seek out opportunities that will help you develop better leadership skills and accept offers to work in diverse groups. Support your degree with with so many projects and experiences that it won't ever fall flat.

I wish you the very best as you grow and learn on your journey.

Finishing My Sentences

My school never closes, in fact last semester I had to sleep in the school's library because I didn't feel comfortable driving in the weather conditions and knew I had to be back on campus early the next morning; but today is a snow day! For me that means lots of studying (midterms are this week) and a a little bit of playing in the snow. Of course I think that it is only fitting for me to listen to the soundtrack of Frozen while studying, don't you?       

(I must insert a spoiler alert here for those who haven't seen the movie, so if you still want to be surprised by the plot twist I won't ruin it for you.)  

                                     

My family went to see Frozen in theaters and it was the best movie theater experiences I've ever had. This was due to the audience's reaction to the moment when Prince Hans tells Anna that no one loves her, the entire theater gasped. Man Hans, you really blew it! Or did he? Didn't he fulfill all the ideals of love? He cared for Anna's people and he harmonized perfectly when singing with Anna. In the duet the two do together Hans hints that they are matched so perfectly that they can finish each others sentences (although Anna didn't really catch on). We have made the ability to predict what someone is going to say a very big deal, especially when it comes to relationships. Couples strive towards it like a goal that will confirm their compatibility. The bear truth of the matter is that a person doesn't have to be one's perfect match to take the time and effort to get to know you so well that they can guess what and how you'll respond to different things. 

Before you get mad at me for crushing your dreams, let me say that there is one who can perfectly finish our sentences. I'm not talking about someone who can make mere guesses to what you will say, but one who understands how you are feeling every single second of your life and fully knows your words before they leave your lips.

Psalms 139:4 

Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

For a while I thought this verse meant that God controlled what I said, after all He's omnipotent, right? I thought that the psalmist was saying that because God knows exactly what I am because He set the settings of human nature and He could anticipate my choices. This is not the case, look at the verse again. You, Lord, KNOW it completely; not make it, not guess it, but know it. God can finish my sentences because He knows who I am. He loves me and knows me so deeply and completely that He doesn't just predict what I could say but He knows every little thing that is me, including the words I say.

Having someone who can finish your sandwiches is great, and having someone who can finish your sentences is even better; but having a God who knows your words, that's the best!

Blind Love

I'm sad to report that I missed the after Valentines Day chocolate sale. Darn! I did enjoy spending a good amount of time in the card aisle of stores reading through many creative ways of expressing love and appreciation. Did you know that there are now cards with neon lights in them? I remember being in awe of the musical celebration cards and now they've added flashing lights; it's like getting a mini party! As fun as these high fandangled cards are, I noticed a trend throughout all of the cards that perturbed me a little. Every single card that I read (and I unashamedly admit that I read a lot of them) presented some kind of praise for the receiver of the card, a list of reasons why they are loved.

I won't deny that I enjoy getting cards that praise the character and talents that I've worked hard to develop, but it there are times it can be real disheartening to get a message of love based on a standard I feel I have to pursue. That aisle of red and and pink sparkles, golden swirls and fancy words was pack full of pressure of needing to preform to be accepted and patches that cover mistakes instead of healing them (hint, hint card market, something has to change).  I often worry that if those outside of my family saw me when I am upset, stressed or angry that they would reject me, as if they see me through rosed colored glasses and their opinion of me is blinded. The second those glasses come off and they realize that I over react to little things can be highly critical and my singing makes dogs howl, will they hate me? If I'm not the graceful words on a valentines card, will I be left alone?

 

The most beautiful love letter I have ever read is in Isaiah 40-45. Here God reminds Israel of their sin and broken, unrepentant hearts, goes on to describes His power and awesomeness, and says that He longs to be with His beloved, that He claims them as His and will cleanse them. My favorite part of this love letter is in chapter 41, verse 14:

"Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,

little Israel, do not fear,

for I myself will help you,"

declares the LORD your Redeemer

the Holy One of Israel.

Oh to be called a worm by God! To know that He understands that the world may put very little value on you and yet He claims you as His most precious, most loved creation! Not only is God's love for us not blinded to our imperfections, He promises to make us better. I recently read a very good article about the way love needs to push for a person to become better, not set standards of what is the best and seek to find it, unwilling to help in the work of developing that perfect love. I completely agree that perfect love is working for better and not measuring what is best.

You can call me crazy, but I much rather be told I'm a treasured worm then praised to be a perfect beauty on Valentines day. (Though I still love to get the chocolates!)

Uncontrollable love

I can not tell you how many movies I've seen in which at some point in the story the one of the characters says to another character that their love for them can't be helped, that no matter what either one of them does, their love can't be stopped-it's uncontrollable. I always felt that describing love in this way slightly diminished its value, as I would rather someone chose to love me and understood that loving someone takes more than just following spell-like feelings;

but it's true, love is uncontrollable.

We were specially made with the ability to love, our hearts are wired to do it without ceasing. Yes, we have the freedom to direct who or what we love, but it is impossible for us to stop loving. It is like the hose of a vacuum cleaner, while it is made to pull in specific things, it strongly pulls at anything within reach no matter which direction it's pointing. You have probably heard our love and need for God described as a 'God shaped hole in our heart'. This is a good analogy, but a better analogy is that we have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts, of which only God can completely fill. In our desperation to satisfy the pull we can direct our love vacuum towards anything in attempts to fill it, only to cover some (if any) of the need. Despite the fact that we find bigger and greater things to fill the vacuums in our hearts, there are always cracks around our self-made vacuum plugs that allow in pain and evil.

And here's the scariest part of the capabilities of our love, even if we are not trying to satisfy it with earthly reasoning and pleasures if we don't set our love on God first, then our hearts will pull in something else. If you are not loving and praising God, you are devoting your love and praise to something else; and you can't control it.

Is your uncontrollable love directed to the One who created it and can fill it; or is the vacuum of your heart whipping around faster and faster, or is it laying still, satisfied to direct all of its effort on tiny specks of dust which are far below what it was made to do?

Fearful Love

There's just something about attending a wedding. Maybe it's the joy getting to watch the love of the happy couple openly expressed and joining in the celebration with family and friends or maybe (at least for one little girl) it's getting to stay up later than one's usual bed time, eating way too many sweets, dressing up in a special princess dress and blowing bubbles over two people happily taking off on a new adventure. As a teenager as I attended several weddings of various family and friends, I would look at the bride and groom and the festivities going on around them thinking to myself, 'Someday that's going to be me. I'm going to reach the age point when all of my friends will be getting engaged and married; maybe even me.'

Eventually it happened, I grew up and my life is now filling up with the excitement of celebrating the blessing of love and commitment that those who are dear to me have found.Through the whirlwind of it all I have managed to stay single and happy. It is not that I never want to get married or have sworn off men forever, (though I do often joke about it) but rather I am somewhat selfishly pursuing a relationship with God and a deeper understanding of what perfect love is. My journey started when several people who I dearly loved were taken away from me and I began to question why I should risk the pain of love and ask what kind of love I was giving and have been given. I evaluated the desires and attachments of My Heart and found that my relationship with God was greatly lacking; and thus I set off to try to find out how God loves me and how I was made to love Him in return.

I thought it would be fun for me to celebrate February and Valentines with you by sharing what God has been teaching me about love - of all kinds; strong, crazy, lost, impatient, romantic perfect love. I'm starting this series out by asking you a question:

How do you love God?

It is easy to define how one serves God or how one praises Him; but is it even possible for us to love God? Sure, I can say that my actions are motivated by a love for God, but taking a step back and looking at the relationships people throughout history have had with God, the same behavior was driven by fears. We go about our lives doing good things, maybe even great things, praising God trying to redirect the glory to Him, but is this because we love God or because we are afraid of Him? Afraid that we are too awful for Him or afraid that God could become angry and turn His back on us if something is or isn't done; afraid of the possibility wasting our gifts, afraid of being alone. God is great and powerful, and His righteous wrath really, really scares me.  It would be foolish to ignore these traits of God, and even the apostles acknowledged His power. So how do you love such a great a terrible God?

The early Christians had to answer this very question in an environment that made them appear like they were ignorantly walking in a loins den. The world in which they lived in worshiped several gods and goddesses whose mystical powers was thought to cause great punishment if they ever became displeased. There were statues and temples for these gods everywhere and the people were so scared of offending any powerful being that they erected a alter to a 'unknown god'. It is no wonder that the idea of loving God caused thoughts of 'they're crazy' or 'their god obviously isn't powerful' to be made and voiced. In one of his letters, Paul assures the Christians in Corinthia that they weren't crazy but were blessed to know what it was to fear the Lord (2 Corinthias 5:11).

There is a very big difference between fearing God and being afraid of God. When you are afraid of God everything is driven on uncertainty and the panic of pain, but the fear of God is based on knowing God so well that you are in awe of Him; but the fear of the Lord is much more than knowledge if Him and His traits, because stacked up facts don't amount to much and have the potential to turn into hate. John explains that knowing God, openly accepting Him and pursuing a greater understanding of Him, leads to loving God.  (John 4:7-19)

For the longest time I tied a string around my heart and let God hold the other end of the string instead of letting Him hold my heart in His hands. I would follow the tugs on my heart to behave and love others as God would love them instead of loving them with God.

It is quite impossible for me to hug God, but I can learn about Him and seek to know Him more. To have my amazement about Him push me to know Him better; to become yet more amazed and want to know Him even more. To know Him so well that I can walk closer and closer to Him until I move perfectly along with Him (Micah 6:8).

Now this is love!